It's Possible to Disagree with your Boss and Succeed
The question came up again this week in a coaching call: How do I disagree with my boss?
The glib answer: Disagree with your boss like you (should) disagree with anyone: with openness, courage, respect, curiosity, and a focus on our common goals. Doesn’t that sound nice?
But your boss is not the same as everyone else. What makes the situation with your boss unique and often high-stakes is one thing: power.
Your boss has structural and relational power over the people who report to them. (Autofill in Google tried to give me SUBORDINATES here. What a word! Talk about power.)
Here are two scenarios of a conflict between a physician leader and her boss. The situation is the same in both: the boss is assigning a big new project. What is different is the background, the context of the relationship. And the response to the new request, based on this context.
One way to think about disagreeing with your boss: Conflict can be productive, instead of oppositional and antagonistic.
Version 1
Dr. Gonzalez, a physician at a busy primary care clinic, has had several tense interactions with her clinic director, Dr. Reynolds. Dr. Gonzalez feels overworked, undervalued, and excluded from key decisions. Dr. Reynolds assigns Dr. Gonzalez to spearhead the implementation of a new electronic health records (EHR) system, which will require extra meetings and a lot of time addressing staff concerns —on top of an already packed patient schedule.
Frustrated, Dr. Gonzalez pushes back: “I don’t see why I should take this on when I barely have time for my patients as it is. This should be an admin project, not mine.” Dr. Reynolds responds: “We need a physician leading the transition, and you’re the best candidate. This isn’t optional.” The conversation becomes tense, with Dr. Gonzalez feeling unheard and overburdened, while Dr. Reynolds views the pushback as negativity rather than a valid concern about workload and priorities.
Version 2
Dr. Gonzalez, a physician at a busy primary care clinic, has a strong and respectful working relationship with the clinic director, Dr. Reynolds. They’ve collaborated on several initiatives before, and Dr. Gonzalez knows that Dr. Reynolds values her input and well-being. Dr. Reynolds asks Dr. Gonzalez to take the lead on implementing a new electronic health records (EHR) system, which will require extra meetings and a lot of time addressing staff concerns —on top of an already packed patient schedule.
Dr. Gonzalez hesitates. “I appreciate that you trust me with this, and I see why having a physician lead it is important. But I’m concerned about how this will impact my time with patients. I don’t want my care quality to slip.”
Dr. Reynolds acknowledges the concern: “I get that, and I don’t want you overwhelmed. Let’s figure out how to adjust your schedule or bring in extra support to make this manageable.”
The two engage in a problem-solving discussion, trusting that Dr. Reynolds will work with them to make it feasible.
In Version 1 of this scenario, Dr. Gonzalez responds to Dr. Reynolds’ new expectation of her in a defensive, reactive way, to protect herself. She is assuming that Dr. Reynolds does not plan to help her succeed, and isn’t willing to negotiate this with her. So she says no.
When trust is low, we say no.
Note the difference in Version 2, in the relationship where Dr. Gonzalez is curious, open and focused on the common goal. The relational context there is one of mutual respect, listening, and collaborative support. There is a history of effective partnership between Dr. Reynolds and and Dr. Gonzalez, that provides them with optimism and, the big thing effective relationships require: Trust.
When trust is high, we work it out. We get started and navigate the challenges together, knowing the other person will help us through the process.
What does this mean for you and your boss?
Trust is a two-way street. We can’t make people trust us. And we may have history with the person, our boss in this case, where we are reluctant to trust them for good reasons.
If trust is high, be like Dr. Gonzalez in the second scenario: Listen carefully and openly so you understand your boss’s decision and perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. Ask questions. Try to get to a mutual “yes.”
If trust is low between you and your boss, then it is only natural to be wary, to tend to “no.” You can still respond like the high-trust Dr. Gonzalez: Be curious. Ask questions. State your reservations, with the assumption that you will make it work.
High-trust or low-trust, get curious. Get as much information as you can about the reasons for your boss deciding or proposing whatever it is you disagree with.
Then, after you have learned all you can, decide: Can I go along with this action or decision by my boss?
If you still feel the need to disagree, ask yourself:
If I continue to disagree, what do I want or need to happen? What am I asking for, specifically?
What are my odds of getting what I want or need here? (This is the pick-your-battles question.)
How can I ask my boss for what I want or need, while showing respect for their power, and commitment to our team’s mission and success?
The best part about disagreeing with your boss? If you do it well, respect and trust between you two can grow because of the disagreement. When you stay respectful and focused on the team’s mission, your boss will see your commitment, your analytical mind (where all your good questions come from), and appreciate your effort.