Maintaining Expectations When Things Get Tense

“I’m not going to be able to finish this program report by the deadline. I’m in all these other meetings, and our two new staff start on Monday.” 

This was me, to my boss, in the late 2000s, about a month into a management job. 

I was stressed out, in a crunch, too many things to do and not enough time to do them. I walked into my boss’s office expecting her to save me, with an extended deadline, taking something off my plate. Something. 

That’s what I was used to. If I give a good reason why I need more time, or more help, the boss will change something so I can do everything the way I want to do them. 

Instead, on that momentous day, my boss listened carefully. Then, nothing. No “poor you, here’s more time” or “let’s give that task to someone else.” She was solid as a rock. I don’t remember what she said, exactly. I wish I did. But the gist was: “I expect you to get everything done as planned. Can I help you make a plan for how to do it?” 

I was gobsmacked. I felt a little betrayed. I had just said why I couldn’t do all the things. I had my expectations for these work products I wanted to produce, and I couldn’t do them all and also prep for my two new hires. To make this all the more shocking, my boss and I were friends. We completed a big professional development program together a few years earlier. Surely she could throw me a line?? 

It took me a minute to accept what was happening. The silence was awkward. This woman (who remains a good friend to this day!) is really good at silence. It’s not an unkind silence. It is a silence of simple expectation, waiting to listen. 

This moment is what I think about when I think about the classic management adage that a manager has to “be comfortable making people uncomfortable.” 

Once I accepted that her expectations were not going to change, no matter how good my excuses, we did a little troubleshooting. The big report didn’t have to be quite so big and elaborate as I wanted to make it. I could postpone a couple of onboarding tasks. 

But the message was clear: “This is your work. Figuring out how to get through crunch times is part of your job.” I will never forget it.

We discussed this leadership topic of maintaining expectations at our (free! monthly!) Recharging Station earlier this month. How do we do it in a supportive, even kind, way? How do we stay out of power struggles? 

Here are some steps and concepts we talked about, for this specific kind of difficult conversation: 

The What. First, seek agreement on expectations. 

Establish agreement about what the expectations are, even if the responsible person doesn’t agree with the expectations. Often, there will be clear differences between what each person thinks the requirements are (how quickly things can be done, how many people need to be involved, what “good enough” looks like). Talk that through, but don’t start troubleshooting or volunteering to help yet. 

It can be helpful to focus on job role, not the individual: “In your position, the performance target is 50 widgets a week.” 

One way to make this a LOT easier: Make a habit of establishing the detailed agreement on “what done looks like” (to borrow a Brene Brown phrase) before the work begins. 

The Who: Next, discuss roles. 

The boss’s role, the employee’s role, any other people who are part of getting the work done. This is the boss’s time to keep the responsibility firmly on the employee’s shoulders (like my boss did with me), or decide to offer some of their own time to help, or offer to bring in another person. Is there another department or team involved? Talk about what needs to happen there. Are they slowing things down? 

The How: The employee makes the plan, and discusses it with the boss. 

With the What and Who clear, the employee can come up with a plan to get the work done. Note that even here, nobody has had to rescue anybody yet. 

This is a difficult conversation, so use the strategy of sitting on the same side of the table, with the challenge before you (literally if you are in the same space, metaphorically if not), instead of the power-move face-off of me against you. The hope is that the person will rise to the occasion, taking ownership of the expectations.

You may wonder, “What if the employee continues to feel that the expectations are impossible?” Then the boss can either take an active role in the planning to meet the current expectations, or agree that expectations can’t be met and now (not before) offer more resources or more time, or make changes in “what done looks like.” 

If the work under discussion is a regular part of the role, a plan could include benchmarks to go from current performance to the full expectation. This works well for closing measurable gaps (number of customers, number of widgets produced), and supports a learning approach to improved performance.

Finally, keep in touch as the work gets done. 

The person said they were struggling, you helped them come up with a plan, and now you want to check in more than usual to encourage them through the crunch time. Keep in close touch with the curiosity and encouragement of a sports coach. 

Not with worry and bend-to-my-will “I was right” vibes. 

People remember the times they are challenged and rise to the occasion. That’s growth. And growth is what good bosses and leaders create for their teams. Growth is what people appreciate down the line. For me, I will never forget that boss sticking to her expectations of me during my stressful crunch time, when I was new to her team. Not to brag, but I got it all done.