QuandaryMat: My Supervisee Just Won't Accept Feedback

Dear Hunter, 

I have an employee who seems to struggle with perfectionism. She argues and pushes back whenever I make any corrections to her work. When I give her constructive feedback, I include an example, and she immediately asks for another example. No matter how many examples I give her, nothing seems to sink in and she gets defensive. 

I have asked her what she needs in order to receive feedback. I have done what she asked, such as starting any written request with “Friendly Reminder,” and giving her ten to twenty (really!) pieces of positive feedback before giving constructive feedback. But these things don’t seem to make a difference in terms of how she receives and responds to constructive feedback.

Do you have any insights on how to train others to receive constructive feedback so they are really hearing it and letting it in? 

Signed,

Wit’s End

Dear Wit, 

This is a challenging situation for sure. 

I don’t know what it is that you need your supervisee to do to improve, how many issues and tasks live in the feedback that she can’t accept. Even so, I feel confident saying this: The inability to take on feedback and to make changes based on that feedback is this person’s #1 performance problem. 

I admire everything you have done so far to try to increase this team member’s comfort with feedback. Enormous and generous efforts. I advise you to simplify and do less. 

The first breakthrough you want is her agreement on this fundamental idea: Everybody has something we could be doing better. 

The best pro athletes don’t ditch their coaches when they achieve a certain level of victory, fame, and fortune. A good example to use when the time comes.

If you haven’t confirmed her agreement with this basic idea, work on that. If she maintains that your feedback is never valid, that she does not need to change anything, ever, then you truly are stuck and need to consider if you can work with this person. But let’s hope you can get agreement on at least that much! It’s a rare person who would state their perfectionism out loud in such clear terms.

Once your supervisee can acknowledge that, “Yes, nobody is perfect and we all need to learn and get better as we go,” then you can work with her to take your input and do what she needs to do to improve. 

Here are some steps for that progress. It’s good ole project management, really, to give you solid ground to navigate together so you can build trust and build successes together. Keep it simple. (No more 20+ examples of anything required!)

1. Create a shared working document to use in discussing her role and performance. “Here’s your job on a page.” I like typing words into tables in spreadsheets. Roles, goals tasks and success factors. Deadlines, deliverables, metrics. Start simple. Make it as objective as possible. You could ask her to create it, initially. Add as you go, together. (Ask HR if you aren’t clear whether to involve them. HR can support you and make clear how serious this issue is. And, HR involvement can harden an oppositional relationship between supervisor and supervisee.) 

2. Meet regularly. Put discussion topics and updates in the running document. Save your feedback, questions, and decision-making for these meetings. Keep everything you can out of email during this sensitive time. Weekly meetings not enough? Add one or two 15-minute huddles in between

3. Make your feedback objective, just-the-facts: “Produced 20 widgets below productivity expectation” or “missed two team meetings” is better than “unprofessional attitude.” Save any sensitive and squishy feedback until feedback starts working and trust builds.

4. Document the feedback and next steps, e.g., “[Boss] reminded [Supervisee] that success in this project requires [expectation]. [S] agreed to circle back and do it.” If your supervisee can’t take the feedback, you could ask her how to document that. Not to be passive-aggressive, but as an honest question. Help her be clear in her refusal. 

5. Review meeting notes at each next meeting, as part of basic meeting hygiene. Did she act on the feedback? Did she try the task the way you asked her to? Is her work back on track? If not, you will have shared documentation of her not following direction. Over time, you will see how this relates to results. 

6. If she is organized and reliable enough, once you set up the documentation and show her the way meetings will go by running the first few, let her run the meetings. She can tell you if her goals are or are not being met. One condition: You save time each meeting for your input and feedback. (Otherwise, why meet?)

7. Finally, on a hopeful (non-micromanage-y) note, look for examples of when she has taken feedback and done something better. If not from you, maybe feedback from a peer. Or if not taking feedback, then a moment when this person has made a change. Seize on small examples to encourage more of what you need to see. It may be possible to show this person that she is smart enough and confident enough to make a change, to be okay being imperfect. You can put it in your shared document: “[S] adjusted her approach to [this thing] and we got better results.” 

In my courses, leaders practice modeling feedback and growth in front of their teams. That’s a great thing to do for your teams overall. But in this extreme case with this individual, you want to be exact and direct. 

You already have done so many things to help her. Now she needs to make an effort. 

I wish you the best of luck! Please let me know how it goes.